People always make a list of things they want to do in their lifetime. Here’s a twist – how about a list of things I never, ever wanna do. Ever.
1 – Bungee jump – Why? Just why? Not sure why I would want to dangle from a glorified rubber band suspended hundreds of feet in the air. See Exhibit A
2 – Compete on Fear Factor – It’s just too gross to even think about. Who thinks up these crazy stunts and what kinds of papers do you have to sign to be a part of the show? Pretty much, if you die – it ain’t our fault. No thanks. I just read that they had planned on having contestants drinking donkey semen? Again, no thanks! Exhibit B
3 – Swim with Sharks – I can’t swim so, there’s that. They could eat me – so there’s that too…
4 – Mountain Climbing – I have no desire to be thousands of feet in the air hanging from a string and a hook. I don’t understand the obsession with climbing Mt. Everest (29,029 feet) and Mt. Kilimanjaro (19,341 feet). I prefer to just let them be.
5 – Run a Marathon – Despite these long legs, I don’t fancy myself a runner. Why 26.2 miles anyway? Who made that up? I should have put that on my list of Nobody Ever Asked Me
6 – Run for Office – Too freaking sleazy and shady. That is all.
7 – Live in Vegas – That place does nothing for me. I’ve been at least 5 times and I must be doing it wrong. It just doesn’t float my boat. It could be the dudes shoving cards of naked chicks my way. It could also be because it’s so hot that I swear it’s next door to Hell. I don’t know.
8 – Black Friday Shopping – Yeah, did that mess once and won’t be doing it again. Everything was gone. All we got was an electric roaster. A HUGE electric roaster. We’ve used it twice in 6 years.
9 – Do a Triathlon – At this point, I’m aware I sound lazy. Really, I’m not. I like exercise. It’s good. I like sports (watching them). I’m just not a fan of extreme exercise and extreme sports. The idea of a triathlon just makes me extremely tired.
10 – Be Uber-Famous – I used to want fame. At this point, I’ve seen too much. Let me be clear, I have no problem with being a millionaire. NONE. I would just prefer to be the millionaire that can walk down the street without the paps chasing me. I’d still like to be able to go to Target and no one is trying to find out what I bought while I was there. That rarely happens when you’re uber-famous.